Letters
When I go clueless, I look back…in my inbox. Old letters offer a surprisingly candid portrait of my past priorities and desires. They may be outdated, but there must be a reason why I thought certain things in the past.
I have a virtual pen pal of sorts. I’ve never met him, but we’ve found common ground in sharing ideas. It’s been a while since we’ve talked (er i mean, typed) but six months ago, we exchanged a few interesting messages about dreams and ideals. Here is an excerpt from one which provides some clarity for me during this time of fuzzy disarray:
So you ask, how do I value the things in my life? A great topic, one which warrants a longer response than you probably hoped. Keep in mind that my answer to the question constantly changes. At the moment, I’d say that career and personal goals rank at the top of my list. This isn’t something I’m proud of.
My current priorities:
1. Work/Passions
2. Family
3. Health
4. Friends
Ideally:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Friends
4. Work/Passions
I’m trying to change but it’s hard. The drive to succeed in the traditional “work tirelessly until you get what you want” sense is engrained and inherent, perhaps to my own detriment. I’m beginning to realize that when you remove the titles and accolades, there remains a void that a successful career cannot fulfill. Also you begin to wonder if working your butt off is really worth it for a career or enterprise. I think I may have forsaken a lot of potentially great relationships in high school and college for projects or activities of my own individual interest because I was “working hard” for some desired outcome. Don’t get me wrong, those opportunities were great. I broadened my horizons, got a great learning experience etc. I wouldn’t replace them. But in the process, you sacrifice certain things. Time spent on my “passion projects” left very little time for others. I rarely shoot the breeze with people because I can’t help but feel that the time could be better spent working on a project or paper or something with a tangible outcome. I actually place a very high premium on relationships and am very appreciative of the few strong ones I have. But the way things have worked out in my life so far, I haven’t afforded many people much time and I’m beginning to attribute a certain emptiness I feel to this relationship deficiency.
At the same time, I’m nowhere near where I want to be in terms of career success and I would probably be even more upset with myself if I knew that I didn’t put 110% into achieving my dreams. I guess it’s a matter of seeing the value in intangibility, which I’m working on. Even now when I’m at home, I feel guilty for spending so much time cooped up here with my videos. I should spend more of this time with my parents who will be several states away from me in a couple days!
I’m not sure if I answered your question but in short, I think I’m looking for a life that will allow me to put family and health as top priority, while maintaining strong friendships and a career I love (even if it’s not the one I originally envisioned). Ha, basically I want to have it all. Not sure if that’s possible, but in my perfect world it is.
- LG
